Fire Aftermath, Aspergirls by Rudy Simone, Upcoming LA Concerts, and a Kids Meditation
I would add to this meme….home is where you are reminded of your beautiful memories. Home stores the items that speak to your soul. Home embraces you like a grandmother’s hug, saying, “Darling, welcome. I’ve been waiting for you.” Home is where you can be yourself. Where the bra comes off and the sweatpants come on, and where that’s just fine. Home is where you can sing into a wooden spoon at the top of your lungs, where you can practice your Tik Tok dance moves, where you can go back to the fridge 5 times if that’s what you need to do. Where you needn’t ask anyone or call anyone to get exactly what you need or want, because you know exactly where it is. (Oh, how exhausting it is to ask and ask and ask.) Home is an expression of your taste, of your evolution, of your personality. Home is where you nourish yourself and your family. Home is where your rituals were born that bring comfort and where you chose to love and be loved. It’s where the dog greets you every day. It’s the ease of that morning coffee, a routine you can and often perform, still half asleep. It’s a curated life, one that you slowly and thoughtfully created.
Yes, it’s just “stuff” that burned, but it is so much more. And so, there is a collective sadness and grief in LA right now. It is one that I see every day, as people load up their trunks with new essential items….as two friends greet each other with arms wide open and a big breathy sigh….as a mother breaks down at the pizza restaurant and no one knows what to say….as I see registry lists that include everything from their child’s favorite cap to a paper towel dispenser…as friends organize and cook and donate and deliver and try to help in the ways we can, knowing it will never be enough…
We are the lucky ones, and our home narrowly escaped the fires. Many of my friends were not so fortunate. So many lost their homes, their schools, or both. We will be able to live in our home again soon, and for that, I am so grateful.
Now, after the initial trauma has worn off, is where the realization of the monumental task of rebuilding gets real. If you have been affected by the LA Fires, and there is a way I can help you, please reach out to me. Additionally, if your child’s school was affected and would like a concert for the kids, I’d be more than happy to perform for them.
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Aspergirls by Rudy Simone
This is a pretty niche book, so you may wonder why I am featuring it in this month’s newsletter. Several young men (friends’ kids, friends of friends’ kids) in my circles lately have gotten an autism diagnosis that was missed when they were younger. And since autism is diagnosed in males 4x more than in females, it made me wonder what a mild autism diagnosis actually looked like in girls. So, basically, I read this out of curiosity…and I’m so glad that I did. As I age, I have noticed that I see people’s differences with different eyes than I did years ago….now, the abrupt post office worker, the unkempt teacher, the person who doesn’t ‘read the room,’ I see that these are not so much character flaws as symptoms of neurodiversity. Learning about neurodiversity through parenting and being friends with many parents and hearing about their children’s differences, has helped me to see these types of challenges in myself, in my own family, and in other people in my life. I feel softened by this knowledge, and the bitter sting of judging others has dulled in my soul.
This book was written by a woman with an Aspergers diagnosis (which is now just called Autism Spectrum Disorder). Much of what she writes is her personal experience, and is based on conversations with women she interviewed with ASD. (I will use “AS girls” and “Aspergirls” interchangably in the synopsis.)
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Rudy Simone, the author of this book, is an Autism Spectrum consultant based in San Francisco. She explains that “women on the spectrum are a subculture within a subculture. It is not so much that AS presents differently in girls and women, but that it is perceived differently, and therefore is often not recognized.”
She offers three proposed theories to explain overall rise in numbers of autism diagnoses: 1) A refining of diagnostic methods; 2) An actual rise in the number of people on the spectrum; or, her explanation: 3) The high stress life of the modern world, coupled with an emphasis on a person’s social confidence, has made those of us on the spectrum feel our differences more keenly. This has caused us to seek answers—via the internet and books—leading to diagnosis.
Many young girls with autism absorb and enjoy information. Many are self-taught readers, and have “similar experiences with maths, music, and design.” She explains that this skill that deems little girls “little professors” sometimes is confused with emotional maturity, masking a natural social challenge. According to a study by Hayashi (et al 2008), it has been proven that children with Asperger’s have a higher rate of fluid intelligence than nonautistic children. Fluid intelligence is the ability to see order in confusion, to draw inferences and understand the relationship of seemingly unrelated things.” The shadow side of this skill is “not comprehending things the way other people do is fine in academia because we can usually find our own methods, but in social situations, this same tendency plays out differently—we can’t always impose our own rules and priorities on others. It is not uncommon for us, when we’re young, to ask too many questions of others, which makes them uncomfortable.”
She explains that another reason that autism is overlooked in girls is that “our obsessions do usually fall under under the heading of “normal” girlhood things like books, music, art, and animals.” Aspergirls are often voracious readers, as “information replaces confusion, which many of us experience in interactions with others.” Neurotypical (NT) girls often grow out of these obsessions where Aspergirls may engage in the same activities their whole lives.
For parents: Praise and encourage your daughters’ passions, whatever they are.
Many Aspergirls hate school, even though they are gifted academically. Simone explains, “Aspergirls do not thrive under scrutiny, if it has just the slightest bit of hostility in it. Whether form our peers or teachers, if we are looked at with an unfriendly, intimidating, or threatening eye, we fold.”
Advice: Watch our for bullying and make sure your child goes to a school where admin and teachers understanding her differences. A special program may be in order.
Simone describes and subscribes to the “Intense World” theory of autism (Markram, Rinaldi, and Markram, 2007). “Markram states that we are hyperfuncitonal as opposed to hypofunctional. People used to think that autistics felt less, felt nothing, were less than human in some ways. Actually, the opposite is true—we feel everything, we smell everything, we hear everything…and we sense things others can’t.” Sensory Processing Disorder is a separate syndrome, but “it’s part of autism’s package deal,” Simone explains. AS girls tend to address one noise at a time, so more than one noise can be very overwhelming. AS girls have an aversion to fluorescent lights because of the flickering and humming. Grocery and department stores are equally overwhelming due to the amount of visual information to process. Small boutiques are much better. AS girls have skin sensitivity, and have a need for soft fabrics or a firm touch. These girls are often known for dressing for comfort before style. Human affection can be difficult—kisses on the cheek or face can be excruciating, anything but a tight hug fiercely uncomfortable. This can often be read as coldness or rudeness, but it is a sensory processing issue. Simone even contents that there is a psychic sensitivity possessed by AS girls. She explains that girls like her “miss the obvious and see what is not obvious to others. We sense things.”
Advice: Have your AS girl try things that integrate mind, body, and spirit. Yoga, tai chi, martial arts, dance, pilates, or trampoline are suggested. Jogging, skating, and jumping rope, exercise bikes, and ellipticals are also good ideas. Simone repeats throughout the book how important diet is for AS girls, especially to stay away from chemicals, sugars, and processed foods. She also states that a gluten-free, casein-free diet or the specific carbohydrate diet are very helpful.
She suggests always having a sensory arsenal at the ready: sunglasses, hats, earplugs, comfy clothes, squishy/fidget toy, and water are musts.
Advice: Some people create sensory rooms to regulate themselves. May include special lights, smells, sounds, temperatures, and textures that you choose known to put one at ease. AS girls will not just ‘get over it’—these are physical differences that must be honored.
Stimming is short for self-stimulating behavior…it’s something AS girls do to soothe themselves when they’re upset, anxious, overloaded, or in pain, to release unpleasant feelings or energy. These may include rocking, swaying, twirling, spinning (oneself or objects), humming, flapping, tapping, clapping, finger flicking, etc. “We stim from sensory issues, and we stim from anxiety and social or emotional issues.” In an effort to be socially accepted, many girls suppress their stims… “The trouble with repressing stims is that we tend to pick up destructive habits, or else we internalize our anxieties and pains instead of releasing them as they happen.” Many of the AS girls Simone interviewed mentioned a high-pitched laugh or squeak when happy, and a childish tone of voice. “
Fear of ridicule is just one more thing that keeps us isolated. Others’ misperceptions might be that we’re immature, mentally challenged, or that w’er acting silly on purpose to attract attention. Since we are often stoic, when we’re happy and exuberant, it can be misconstrued as flirting.”
Advice: Simone suggests you go ahead and stim and be happy if it’s not hurting anyone. Advice to parents: Try to find out why stimming is necessary for your child….sensory overload, need for conversation or interaction. Help her channel her energy in socially acceptable and constructive ways if possible. Drop your vanity and ego about how your child is perceived as much as you can. Your job is to love and protect the kid you got, Simone suggests.
AS girls will often have their idiosyncrasies pointed out to them starting when they are young. They’ll be blamed for their erratic and sometimes uncontrollable behavior. They’ll be blamed for social awkwardness and botched interactions. Simone writes, “Because we never knew what we did wrong, a profound sense of confusion, alienation, and guilt crept into our psyches, displacing normal childhood emotions.”
Since so many in an Aspergirl’s life will not understand, and in fact, judge harshly, her oddness or social differences, many girls develop a life-long guilt complex, some eventually accepting a life of solitude rather than to keep trying and failing at friendship and relationships.
Advice for AS girls: Some people will try to understand you and your neurodiversity; others won’t at all. Most will land somewhere in the middle. But you can create a life full of things and people you love and who love you for who you are.
Advice for parents: Don’t blame yourself or you partner because you have an AS girl. Don’t blame her. She needs nurturing most of all, in the forms of food, safety, understanding, and advice. She may often prefer isolation, it’s normal and not about you. Her life is already confusing; do what you can to help her feel accepted and to let go of blame and guilt. Understand that these challenges are life-long.
Simone explains that AS girls often to not subscribe to typical gender roles, and are often “androgynous creatures in essence.” Hygiene and grooming are more of a challenge for AS girls. Many won’t understand what all the fuss is about (skincare, makeup, hair care, etc).
Some Aspergirls don’t really show strong autistic symptoms until puberty. Prior to this we may just seem gifted; but when puberty hits, it flips us on our heads and you can see our autistic underbelly.” The Aspergirl may see her period as an unwelcome intrusion to her personhood or childhood, as opposed to a welcome transition into womanhood. Many will suffer from selective mutism, usually triggered by social anxiety, leaving relations with a ‘deer in the headlights’ reaction to normal social contact. Many describe this as ‘brain freeze’ moments. Interestingly, about one in four spectrum kids will suffer from seizures during the onset of puberty…they will be the subclinical type, not convulsive.
Advice: Selective mutism is not voluntary. It feels terrible to the girl who suffers from it, and compounding it with judgement from parents will only increase its rate. Simone suggests writing and journaling as a great way for girls to get their thoughts and feelings out when speaking them are not an option. For parents: Let her know you are there for her and give her her privacy and space.
The intense focus that AS girls are known for can be an asset at work) or a challenge (a new crush). Obsessiveness does not always understand or include appropriate boundaries, and the social subtleties of dating are often lost on them. Aspbergirls tend to be very logical and direct. Since flirting and dating is such a nuanced social dance, girls on the spectrum will find this area confounding, frustrating, and sometimes very hurtful. AS girls can often be targets for abusive, user types of men because they can be easily molded or manipulated. Some AS girls love sex, and some hate it, depending on their sensory issues. AS girls can have ideas of romance based on books or movies that are not necessarily realistic, and they may have expectations for a relationship far beyond what would be considered reasonable with a NT relationship. Choosing when to disclose the diagnosis can be a tricky question, and is a personal decision.
Advice for girls: Find a partner who isn’t embarrassed by anything about you—your bluntness, your obsessions, your quirks, and your sensitivities. Don’t dumb yourself down ever. Don’t spend time trying to get someone to like you. Find someone who already likes you.
Advice for parents: Remind her to groom-hair, nails, etc. Compliment her, use positive reinforcement. Tell her she is beautiful and worthy so that the first person who tells her this doesn’t make her swoon.
AS girls love time alone and also love companionship and fun. But it’s difficult to have fun when you can’t relax, and social interactions often take a toll. Especially after one has been bullied, AS girls often see the dark side of friendships or social interactions and choose to be alone. AS girls “have to get creative and seek out kindred spirits if we want friends.” Many Aspergirls have a special affection for animals.
Advice for girls: Simone writes, “If you have confidence in yourself, that confidence spills over into your social skills and into the social arena. People sense you know your worth and they respond to it. If you want more friends, do something about it. Don’t give up. Use your interests and strengths and visualization skills to figure out how to go about it.” Advice for parents: social skills training classes can help AS girls tremendously. Find clubs and activities your child will enjoy.
College and university offers AS girls opportunities to pursue their passions and interests, and to stretch their capable minds…but it also presents many challenges: executive functioning, new routines, new surroundings, and new people can be overwhelming to the AS girl.
Advice for girls: Don’t bite off more than you can chew….take a reasonable amount of classes, especially to begin with. Seek out help from Offices of Disability Services if needed. Don’t give up. It may take longer, but you can do it. Advocate for yourself. Advice for parents: Find someone at the school that you can connect with to impart literature and understanding of the syndrome. Encourage your daughter, ask questions to find out if she is getting her needs met.
Aspergirls often present with stomach and intestinal problems. While doctors and researchers still do not fully understand the cause of autism, many autism researchers believe that it is “initially caused by a compromised digestive system which allows toxins from the environment and food to get into the bloodstream and impact brain development at crucial stages.” That is why the gluten-free, casein-free, or specific carbohydrate diets may be effective at reducing symptoms as they operate on a premise of a compromised intestinal tract. Many Aspergirls have GI issues so long that they just come to accept as part of life. Simone promotes the taking of a supplement called Amrit Nectar and Amrit Ambrosia (note: I know nothing about these supplements and I am not suggesting them for children, but perhaps for your own further research).
**Note: I’ve skipped around some chapters here…much of the rest of the book is for grown women with autism, and advice for career, relationships, marriage, having children, etc. Thus, I am not including it here. If you feel that much of what I have synopsized has resonated with you personally, I encourage you to pick up the book to learn more about how AS presents in adult relationships.
In conclusion, Simone suggests parents give Aspergirls BALLS: Belief, Acceptance, Love, Like, and Support. She seems fun. I’d like to meet her!
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I am doing a concert to raise money for victims of the LA Fires on March 1st, 10:00 at McCabe’s Guitar Shop in Santa Monica. Please join me and bring friends!
*I am also very excited that I was invited back to The Prairie School in my home town of Racine, Wisconsin, to be a visiting artist in March. I will share clips of that performance when I have them!
*If you haven’t seen it yet, Valentine’s Day is tomorrow, and there’s no better time than now to share this Gentoo Penguin love story!
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In lieu of any recipes this month (I was living out of a hotel room for about 7 weeks, so not a lot of cooking happening!) So, I’m going to give you something else…. I did an Instagram Poll on ways that I can support you, and the results were that you need meditations right now. I’m including a Kids Meditation below.
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